Denny Strecker’s Blog

Over the last couple of weeks I have had the opportunity to watch and listen to parents interacting with their children.
I must say we have a lot of work to do. In several instances I heard this conversation:

Parent: "Sensei did you say this or that last week in class?"

Me: "I said that."

Parent turns to their child who is 5 to 7 years old and says, "See! Told Ya!!" with a great deal of attitude.

Why do people feel such a need to be right?

And even more importantly, why is such a big deal to show your 5 year old how wrong they are?
Parents constantly ask me where do children get their bad behaviors and they are always surprised when I smile kindly and point directly to them. Children are taught how to behave so anything your child does that you do not like you either taught it or allowed it.

Here is a much healthier way to handle a disagreement with your child.

Parent: "Sensei said this in class last week."

Child: "No he didn’t."

Parent: "I’m pretty sure that I heard him say this."

Child: "No he didn’t."

Parent: "OK, we will have to ask the next time we go to class."

Parent: "Sensei, did you say this or that last week in class?"

Me: "I said this."

Parent can now turn to their child and say, "I thought that is what I heard. You owe me an apology for arguing with me."

Child: "I’m sorry I didn’t believe you."

Teaching life lessons to your child is easy if you look for the opportunities and make sure YOU are not the source of your child’s negative behaviors.

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Over the past two weeks, I have heard children say several things that they should have no business knowing. I am perplexed at what parents are thinking sometimes. It is your responsibility to filter any and all information before it gets to your child. But when you - the parent - are the source of the information there is a real problem.

Here are some examples of what I am talking about:

5 year old girl: "My dad says we’re poor."

6 year old boy: "My dad doesn’t have a job so we can’t pay for our house now."

Children have no business knowing the extent of the family’s financial situation. For a child to look me in the eye and say that they are poor is a tragic shame. Children don’t know what poor is - they have what they have and they want more. To tell them they are poor is something they won’t understand.

If the family budget is tight and your child asks for something, tell them "Not today." You don’t have to go into a whole speech about how dad lost his job and the house payment is late etc.

Use this time to teach your child how to appreciate the things they do have. Teach them to use their imagination and come up with things to do that don’t cost a lot of money…and while they are at it, so should you be at it. There are hundreds of things to do with your child. Now is also a great time to start teaching them the value of money.

But most of all - Remember, your time is best thing you can ever give and if you are not working you should have plenty extra to give them.

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You’ve got a certain plan in mind.  Before implementing it, you pause — wondering if it’s really the best course of action.

For example, you are thinking about taking a trip.  It sounds really exciting…but it’s also kind of expensive…and you aren’t sure if it’s really the best time for you to leave town.

If you and I were discussing the issue, I would ask a simple question.  It might go something like this:

You:  "I am thinking about taking a vacation…but I’m not sure if I should or not."

Me: "You would be taking this trip SO THAT WHAT CAN HAPPEN?"

You: "Well, I guess so that I can get away from my routine at work."

Me: "SO THAT WHAT CAN HAPPEN?"

You: "I’ve been working really hard.  I need a rest."

Me: "So, you feel you really need some rest…some recharging time."

You: "Yes."

Now that we have isolated what you are really trying to make happen, we then discuss this: "Is my plan (the vacation) the BEST way to make that happen?"

It may be that when you isolate and clarify what you are really trying to accomplish, a plan will emerge.

You might think, "Well, the vacation is actually a lot of stress on my schedule and my budget.  Since what I’m really trying to do is recharge…to eliminate stress — I think I’ll take three or four days and just relax at home.  I’ll be recharged more from that than I would from the vacation."

You see, unless you clarify what you are really trying to do, you might go down a path that doesn’t really get you what you are after.

So, you ask yourself (You don’t need me to have this conversation. You can have it with yourself.):

1.   "This plan I am considering…I’m doing this SO THAT WHAT CAN HAPPEN?"
Now, whatever the answer you come up with, you might have to ask the SAME question a few times before you get to the root issue.

When you have isolated what you are REALLY trying to accomplish, you then ask yourself:

2.  "Now that I know what I’m REALLY after, is my proposed idea the BEST one to make that happen?  Or, are there better alternatives?"

Often there are.  Master this and you will never be uncertain about which path to take.

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I have introduced a new program that will help take the students martial arts training to an entirely new level. The idea is called Project Based Leadership and the goal is to teach the students how to apply all of the skills they learn in karate into their everyday lives. Skills like courtesy, kindness, respect, discipline, time management and leadership.

Instead of a student going out and completing 100 Acts of Kindness, this program shows the student how to get 100 people to complete 1 act of kindness. This approach is much more powerful than 1 person trying to make something better. Leading 100 people to create change allows for much bigger projects and therefore much better change in our community.

Each project has an evaluation at the end which allows the student to tell everyone about their specific results. We take that evaluation and post it on our Wall of Fame inside the school for everyone to see and learn what they can do.

I am excited to see how much we have completed by the end of this year. With 110 students all working on a community project the improvements should be awesome!!

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I learned about a concept in our school systems today that has been taking place for over a decade now called "social promotion." In short, if a child fails a grade in school, the parent can simply write a letter to the principal stating that they want the child to be promoted - AND THE SCHOOL DOES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the article I read, the new principal of Madison Heights High School looked into this practice and found multiple cases of children who NEVER passed a grade from Kindergarten through High School but graduated because the parents wrote a letter to the school each and every year.

How does this possibly benefit anyone?

The child never learns to be responsible for anything, the parents are going to have to support him/her forever, and the school gets lower and lower test scores because the kids taking the tests are not ready for the questions. Talk about a lose-lose-lose scenario.

How can we possibly set the standard any lower? How are any of these kids going to make it in the real world??

What an absolutely abysmal job we are doing if this is what we are teaching children! This entire concept is so baffling to me that I am not sure where to even begin. I don’t blame the child for anything - if they have been coddled their entire life. But the writing is on the wall - there is no way they will be able to function as a responsible adult if they have never been given the tools growing up.

Why would parents want their child to be promoted to a more difficult grade if they could not pass the current one? What possible benefit is there to this? Maybe someone reading this can help enlighten me because I am not able to think of any - and if you know me, I am almost always able to find a benefit. I expect weak arguments like "So they can be in class with their friends" or "I don’t want them to get discouraged and give up."

What a bunch of garbage those arguments are…

One, if they are failing an entire grade, they have the wrong friends to begin with.
Two, if you think you are helping "protect" your child by promoting them when they didn’t earn it - you are sadly mistaken.

In twenty years of working with children, I have yet to see a positive result from not holding a child accountable for their actions and behavior. It doesn’t take much to think of a list of examples - Brittany Spears, Jamie Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Mike Tyson, Kobe Bryant, and the list goes on and on.

The bright spot in all of this?

Some school administrators are starting to see that this program is failing our children.

What can we do to help?

Hold your child accountable and expect more from them. If they are getting B’s and C’s in school, expect B’s or better. If they are getting A’s and B’s - try for all A’s. Be positive and encouraging but firm in telling your child that you expect these things. Then, follow up. Don’t wait for the grades to show up and see if they did it or not. Find out when the quizzes and tests are and look at each one. See what they did well, and what
needs work.

By creating expectations and following up on a regular basis, your child will be much more inclined to perform well which in turn will better prepare them for the real world.

Let me know what you think.

Click on the comment link and leave your thoughts.

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Can I Borrow $25?

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: ‘Daddy, may I ask you a question?’

DAD: ‘Yeah sure, what it is?’ replied the man.
SON: ‘Daddy, how much do you make an hour?’

DAD: ‘That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?’ the man said angrily.
SON: ‘I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?’
DAD: ‘If you must know, I make $50 an hour.’
SON: ‘Oh,’ the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: ‘Daddy, may I please borrow $25?’

The father was furious, ‘If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.’ The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s’ questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00, he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door. ‘Are you asleep, son?’ He asked. ‘No daddy, I’m awake,’ replied the boy. ‘I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier’ said the man. ‘It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $25 you asked for.’

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. ‘Oh, thank you daddy!’ He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father. ‘Why do you want more money if you already have some?’ the father grumbled. Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,’ the little boy
replied. ‘Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.’

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

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Most people detroy time by procrastinating. It’s Wednesday…and they are still struggling to finish things that should have been done Monday.

You can create time by using reverse-procrastination. Here’s how.

Do whatever it takes to get caught up. Once you are caught up, you then begin to "work ahead."

On Thursday, knock out a couple of Friday’s tasks.  This "creates time" on Friday.  Use that time to do a few of the things that are supposed to be done next week.

If you live your life this way, you will:

1. get about 50 times as much stuff done

2. create momentum…that "attracts" success

3. have great peace of mind

4. enjoy everybody marveling at your ultra high level of productivity

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The kids went back to school last week and my phone has already started to ring.

The calls are from upset parents who are telling me their child is being bullied - in the first week of school!!

I have spent the weekend putting together some of the best methods EVER to help these people - and you learn how to Stop The Bully! I am conducting a seminar this Saturday where I will teach all of these SECRET techniques to children and their parents.

If you would like to register for this event, please call me at (586) 573-3881. If you would like to pre-order a DVD, you can request a DVD of the event by emailing me at denny@warrenkarate.com.

This is a Community Service Event. There is no charge to attend, but space is limited and reservations are taken on a first come first served basis.

This Seminar will also help to launch the www.NoBulliesHere.com web site which is now available to anyone who is trying to deal with a bully.

Bullying has to end and I have created a plan to make that happen. Please help me spread the word about this seminar and the new web site so we can help as many people as possible.

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Simple.   Change your thinking.   The way that you think about your life, your career, your family, your health, your finances…has put you right where you are, right now.

To change your results, you’ve got to think differently. To think higher, better thoughts.

You might not know what those thoughts are — or how to think them.

But commit to change. Be WILLING to think them.

When you do this, the right thoughts will find you.

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