Denny Strecker’s Blog

The first rule for Parents is "Rules without a good relationship lead to rebellion."

Too often parents spend all of their time trying to enforce their rules and practically no time trying to build a relationship with their child. I am not saying you need to be your child’s friend - because that never works. I am saying that parents need to have a good relationship with their child if they want their rules to work.

See, without a solid relationship your child is not going to care what you think or want. They will tend to do what they want, whenever they want and that is a dangerous path for them to start down.

Create a good relationship with your child and they will want to please you. Your rules may not be liked, but they will generally be followed…and maybe even ALWAYS be followed.

So if you want your child to listen to you and follow your rules, make sure you spend quality time with them building a caring and loving Parent-Child bond with them.

Please click on the Comments button and share what you are currently doing to build the relationship with your child - or what you are going to start doing now that you have read this post (hint hint).

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A recent Consumer Reports article presented the latest research about keeping your mind sharp, especially as you age. As I read the article, I couldn’t help but notice that you could follow, or fulfill, all five of the report’s recommendations with martial arts training!

1. Reduce Stress. Exercise is a well-known activity to help you reduce stress. Martial arts, as an exercise regimen, is a real stress buster, since it provides even more stress-reducing benefits.
 
2. Stay Connected. Be sociable and enjoy the company of others. Your martial arts training is serious, but it can also be a very sociable experience. Martial arts classes are fun and engaging, helping you to commit to its long-term benefits.
 
3. Feed Your Brain. A nutritionally balanced diet is key to any martial arts program and to your complete healthy lifestyle. The recommendations to maintain healthy brain functions are much the same as for healthy bodily functions: minimize trans-fat intake, reduce saturated fat intake and consume more fish and other foods that contain healthy fats.

4. Stay Fit. Physical activity is the best-known method to protect your brain against aging. The recommendation is the same as for general health and wellbeing: at least 30 minutes of exercise most days. Martial arts training incorporates daily exercise into your routine in a fun and exciting way, so you can stick with it.

5. Flex Your Brain Muscles. Use it or lose it. The mental aspect of martial arts training provides this type of mental stimulation and a great physical workout.

Keep in mind that "aging" doesn’t necessarily refer to your chronological age. Depending on your lifestyle, aging-related changes to your mind, such as memory loss, can begin as early as your 20s or 30s. Stay committed to your martial arts training. Your mind will thank you for it.

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US President Theodore Roosevelt has been described as founder of the Bull Moose Party, the man who led his troops up San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War, a big game hunter, family man, civic servant and a host of other things.
 
His life story indicates that he was not only an extraordinarily successful man, but surely one of the busiest and best organized ever. However, with all of his "busy-ness" . . . he still retained some of those human qualities that made him so successful.
 
Simple example: He never forgot to thank others who did things for him. On his whistle-stop tours during his campaign trips, he always left his private car to thank the engineer and fireman for a safe and comfortable trip. True, it took only a few minutes of his time, but when your minutes are so few, they are quite important. He felt that those minutes were well invested and he enjoyed meeting the people who had served him so well. In the process he made friends for life. Doing simple little things endeared Roosevelt to people all across America, which certainly was a significant reward for the few minutes it took him to say thank you.
 
Someone once said that you could always tell a "big" man by the way he treated a "little" man. By that yardstick alone you would have to agree that Theodore Roosevelt was a "big" man.
 
Message: Take time to be kind and to say "thank you." The returns can be so great that you will be amazed!

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     It has been estimated that we each have upwards of 50,000 thoughts per day. How many of  yours are negative? Sometimes you have to do a mental spring cleaning to get rid of those negative ones that have become ingrained attitudes. Stopping self-destructive thoughts is like stopping any other bad habit - it takes time and effort.

     Among the most effective ways to do this are visualization and affirmations. Affirmations are positive statements about yourself that you repeat over and over in your head until they’re programmed into your subconscious.

     Visualization, or "imagineering" as Walt Disney called it, is mentally picturing yourself the way you want to be. You’ve heard the old saying, "I’ll believe it when I see it"? Well, the reverse is also true:

"I’ll see it when I believe it!" Affirmations and visualizations may not feel true at first. They may not even be true! But they can become so.

     Consider what happens when you tell yourself over and over, "I’m lousy at remembering names." There will never be any improvement there. So if you catch yourself saying, "I’m terrible at remembering names," stop and immediately say to yourself, "I’m good at remembering names."

     Or consider the effect of telling yourself, "I’m pretty good today." Or "I can lose ten pounds." Or "I am good at getting people to see things my way." Anything you say to yourself over and over will actually influence your reality.

     Writing down your affirmations in some handy place - above your desk, on your bathroom mirror, on the dashboard of your car - will help keep them in mind as well as in sight. Use affirmations and visualizations to project what success will feel like and look like. Imagine, in as much detail as you possibly can, how you feel as the boss singles you out for exceeding your quota, or how the audience hangs on your every word during a speech, or how your confident presence causes heads to turn everywhere you go.

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Sometimes, when somebody is describing a problem they are trying to solve, they say, "I tried everything…and I still couldn’t get it!"

I might say, "Did you go to the library and do some research on this problem?"

"No, I didn’t really have time" they reply.

"Did you drive over to the next town and consult with Mr. Bennett?"

"No — it seemed like a long way to go."

Often, the person with the problem hasn’t really tried ANYTHING…much less everything.

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Occasionally, you experience moments of perfection: A day when no matter what punch, kick or move was thrown at you, you were totally on your game and you were untouchable and felt indestructible.  

This is what you should strive for every day. The ultimate goal is to experience this on a more regular basis, working at your ultimate peak of potential 100% of the time.  

Although, working at 100% all the time is virtually impossible, you will find that pursuing small moments of excellence is a more attainable goal. The theory behind this is simple - if you know you are capable of working full tilt for three minutes, then you do this as often as possible until you can add another minute, and then another, until you reach 10. As you practice this mentality, you strive to reach a total of 45 minutes. This is called "the maximization of potential." To take your potential and maximize it fully, for as much time as possible without quitting, is Shibumi, the pursuit of perfection.  

Shibumi is a Japanese word and the activity it defines is a part of the Japanese culture, known in English, as the refinement of one’s soul. Doing your best, yet sometimes failing, is inevitable, but not trying or not doing your best intentionally, known as "pacing yourself," is truly what can label you as a failure. The goal of the martial arts, as well as life, should be to strive always to perform at your utmost ability, work full tilt and espouse the mentality of the pursuit of perfection.  

When you start, it is okay do this for only five or 10 minutes. That is the natural order of this exercise, but when you train your mind to understand and pursue this kind of commitment then you will experience moments of perfection more regularly. You can add a little each time you pursue perfection, and soon you are working harder then you ever imagined. Once you adopt this mentality, you will find the tasks that you thought were difficult are now easy, and soon you will realize that there is no obstacle that you cannot overcome. You will push your threshold to an entirely different level, realizing that accomplishments you once thought were impossible are totally possible. Still, sometimes, even though you believe you control your mind, you are a victim of thoughts that have been ingrained in you since you were young. At those times, you may even fail because you believe the goal or the dream to be beyond your reach, or not realistic, but anything is possible if you have the right mindset. 

If you practice hard enough, then you will discover aspects of yourself that you never believed to be possible. You will live the life of perfection - you will live Shibumi every day.

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Your intelligence is directly connected to the words you know. If you know only simple words, you can only understand simple concepts.

Imagine that the only words you had to describe something were "Good" and "Bad".

You would see life in very black and white terms. All of life’s complexity…it’s texture and shades of meaning would be lost on you.Be a lifelong student of vocabulary.

Continue to learn and USE new words.

Here’s a tip: this doesn’t mean that you have to study a bunch of five syllable words that nobody understands and try to fit them into conversation.

You already know thousands of words…that you don’t use! We become lazy in our speech and depend on a small number of simple words. So - to begin…USE more of the words you already know.

Another tip: the best way to improve your vocabulary is by an old fashioned, nearly forgotten skill: Reading. Read more. Read better books. And use an index card for a bookmark.

This will make it easy to write down words that you want to be "keepers!"

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My mentor, Keith Hafner, told me years ago, "Denny, being on time means being fifteen minutes early."

Up until that point in my life, I had been chronically late for just about everything.

I confess that I didn’t immediately get the wisdom of this. But I made a commitment to try.

And, you know what? The minute I tried it…I felt great! My stress level went way down! I never knew, until then, how stressful it was to be late.

And, I discovered something really important: It doesn’t take any more time to be ON time. In fact, it takes LESS! Why? Because you are prepared. You move from one commitment to the next in a calm and relaxed way.

Here’s my advice:  Try It!

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 The language you use every day — your word choice, sequence, and tone — plays a more critical role in how you’re perceived than you may imagine. How you respond to a question, a compliment, even a comment on the weather, affects what people think about you, your abilities, and your work in very subtle yet very powerful ways. 

Let’s look at three examples, including some simple changes you can make to have the most positive impact on your career and your relationships. 

1. Yes, thanks, that WAS a good job. 

How you respond to a compliment influences people’s perception of your confidence and ability or lack thereof). Like most people, you’ve probably found that compliments are harder to accept than criticism. From early childhood, you were almost certainly taught to ask for feedback (a.k.a. criticism) and to be modest about (i.e., discourage) compliments.  

When you do the "aw, shucks, it weren’t nuthin’" shuffle, brushing the compliment off with embarrassment or downplaying your accomplishment, people BELIEVE you. Believing your response, they overlook the hours of overtime put in by your team, the expertise and skill that were required, and the polish you put on the finished result. 

On the other hand, if you adopt a superior stance by taking all the credit for a team effort or claiming that only you out of all the people in the organization could possibly have pulled it off, you’ll be written off as arrogant and dangerously independent (not a team player).  

Instead, practice a middle-ground approach, preferably by role-playing with a friend outside the office. Get comfortable with language that asserts your confidence and competence without false pride or arrogance. "Yes, thanks, my team and I did a really terrific job!" is a great response. "Thank you. I appreciate you recognizing the effort it took to get that done well," is another. 

When someone compliments you personally, consider asking for more detailed feedback. A compliment can feel uncomfortable because it often implies judgment — positive judgment, to be sure, but judgment nonetheless. "You’re a great facilitator," is a judgment that inevitably causes comparison in your mind to all the facilitators you know who are better than you are, creating instant disbelief and discomfort. 

Thank the speaker and ask, "What about my facilitation really worked for you?" This draws out specific comments ("I like how you make sure everyone gets equal time") that are actually useful to you in developing your facilitation skills. 

2. Accentuate the Positive 

Have you noticed that people complain in habitual ways? They use the same words to describe all the things they’re not happy about. One person might call anyone he disagrees with a "schmoozing backstabber." Someone else might say any disappointing event — whether in the past or anticipated — was a "disaster." 

Did it occur to you that your complaining habits are just as obvious to others as theirs are to you? 

Management views complainers as losers. Therefore, complainers never get the best projects and are consistently passed over for promotion. You may not be an out-and-out complainer, but you almost certainly have typical complaining habits and hot-button circumstances that trigger those habits. 

Pay attention for a few days to identify your habit. What triggers your complaints, and what words do you typically use? (If you can’t figure it out, enlist the help of a trusted friend.)  

Then pick more positive ways of expressing yourself. If positive replacements feel too artificial, try a factual way of describing the person or situation, without any emotional load. 

The "schmoozing backstabber" might be "politically savvy," or could just be "Joe." That "disastrous project" might be "unfortunately delayed because of new requirements," or just "the printer upgrade project." 

Save your complaining and venting for friends, spouses, and partners *outside* the office. Your career will thank you for it. 

3. Choose ‘Want’ instead of ‘Need’ 

Take a few days or a week to experiment with what happens when you use "want" instead of "need," "should," "gotta," "have to," and "must."  

"I want to leave for work now."  

"I want to finish this report by the end of the day." 

"I want to go to the staff meeting." 

If this feels awkward, especially if you feel as if you’re lying to yourself, add on the reason WHY you want to do these things. 

"I want to leave for work now because I have a better day when I’m at the office on time." 

"I want to finish this report by the end of the day because my boss needs it first thing in the morning." 

"I want to go to the staff meeting because when I don’t go, my teammates say sarcastic things about my priorities and my boss gets mad." 

You may find it such a pleasant way of looking at the world that you adopt "want" as your word of choice in every possible situation. In fact, I have a good friend who creates "want to do" lists instead of "to do" lists. She finds it significantly more motivating! 

How can you adjust your language to have a positive effect on how you’re perceived — and on your career? Drop me a line and let me know! 

"Language exerts hidden power, like a moon on the tides."
- Rita Mae Brown, American author, screenwriter, and activist

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In my daily dealings with families, I constantly hear parents telling their child what NOT to do.

"Don’t Touch That!"
"Stop That!"
"Don’t Stand There!"
"Stop Running!"
"Be Quiet!"

It would be so much easier to give your child some directions on what they SHOULD BE doing and then they would not have to guess on what is ok and what is not ok.

Pre-framing is the key to successful parenting. On your way to the store have a conversation that goes something like this:

"When we are in the store I expect you to keep your hands to yourself. That means not touching anything on the shelves without asking my permission first. I also expect you to stay with me at all times. Running in the store is not acceptable behavior. Finally, I expect you to use your manners and inside voice. If you choose to break these rules we will have to leave the store immediately and you will not be able to choose any of the items we are shopping for…any questions?"

Parents are shocked when I lay this out for them. By laying the ground rules before you get to your location you can avoid 80% of the troubles that arise. The remaining 20% is reminding them of the rules if they break them.

Please click on the Comment Link below and tell me your worst shopping experience with your child. (If you receive my blog via email you will have to go to www.DennyStrecker.com and leave a comment)

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